After committing to a $15,000 mastermind for women in business, the pressure to actually start my business mounted. I spent the holidays trying to figure out how to build my website while taking care of my now one and two-and-a-half year old daughters and while continuing to do readings, keeping my promise of opening my channel on a consistent basis.
I was exhausted before I had even begun. I needed help but the guilt of having someone else care for my children overwhelmed me. I was supposed to be a “stay at home mom”, and my mind continued to remind me: you shouldn’t need help, as well as: not launching a business is probably a better idea than launching one. And yet, the yearning from my heart pulled me to leap into the unknown. It was as though I had spent my whole life preparing for this and yet never knowing what it was I was preparing for.
As I began a nanny search, I continued to make preparations to launch my website. On January 17th 2022, only nine months after giving my first reading, I shared with the world—or my Instagram and Facebook friends—what I was capable of. The terror that rang through my body as I posted made my hands shake and my mind yell, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Everyone is going to know now. Do you really want to officially be the weird one?
I panted through the waves of anxiety, throwing my phone under a pillow, not wanting to see the replies, convinced I would be dropped from friend groups, that no one would book a session or worst of all, I would be completely ignored. The familiar high school insecurity came pelting in: If you stand out, you will be rejected. I wiped tears from my eyes as I tried to return to my duties of motherhood, hoping my daughter’s squeals could keep me from attending to the brigade of negative thoughts. But the urge to see the response to my posts was too strong and I finally slipped my hand under my pillow and pulled out my phone, ready to face the comments.
My newsfeed was flooded with congratulations and hearts as well as inquiries about how to book a reading. My throat tightened as my eyes pooled over with tears, it’s really happening! I thought, even as my mind tried to point out the people who hadn’t responded, trying to convince me that I had most likely lost them as friends. I pushed the thoughts to the side, trying to quiet my mind as my heart pounded, reminding myself that everything was okay, I was okay.
Before long, word of mouth about my services spread beyond just friends, to friends of friends and even friends of friends of friends. I was fitting in readings during naps and after bedtime routines, relying on my mom to help out.
The anxiety before each call still filled my whole body but each time I faithfully called in my guides and angels as well as my client’s spirit team. With every reading I saw a new sign or symbol and understood it more clearly. I learned that a swing set meant a future baby was coming and they would swing in to give their message. A piano meant that someone had been waiting to greet their loved one who had crossed over. A birthmark on a child was a kiss mark from the other side. The image of hands together meant that the person I was reading had been with their loved one when they crossed, but hands a few inches apart meant that they regretted not being there when they had passed. My spiritual vocabulary and understanding began to grow, making the messages come through faster no matter if I had a relationship with the client or if we were meeting for the first time over Zoom.
As my business grew, my ability to manage it all began to flail. Being a present mom while still being woken up multiple times a night, breastfeeding, figuring out what to make for dinner, doing laundry, tidying the house, grocery shopping and holding space for clients all compounded at once. My relationship with my husband floundered and my relationship with myself nearly dissipated. At about this time, my first retreat took place for my mastermind. It was just down the street from my house in Los Angeles so I attended during the day and returned home for dinner, bath and bedtime with my girls. It was the very first time I had poured into myself, not only since launching a business but since becoming a mother.
It was hard to explain what took place over those days. When my husband asked what we did, I simply responded, “We drank tea,” struggling to put the rest into words on what was happening on an energetic level. For the first time, the vibration that I was operating on while doing readings was running through my whole being, but this time for myself. The clarity that putting my needs first would allow me to succeed in all areas of my life filled me with joy for the first time instead of the anxiety that usually pulsed through me. I announced at the retreat that I would officially find a nanny and that I was complete with my breastfeeding journey.
I put out into the world that I wanted a part- time French-speaking nanny who was incredible with the girls, and she appeared. And even though it took me a bit to let go of breastfeeding, the seed had been planted. I also put out into the field that I was ready for our family to move to a new state. While the girls stayed with our new nanny, we flew to Austin, Texas to check it out. Despite arriving in an ice storm, the clear calmness in my heart made me know it was our home.
The more I gave to myself in the form of walks alone, time to write, time with friends and time without a to-do list, the more I expanded in my personal life as well as my business. For the first time I was in a place where I trusted that my path was guided, even though I had no idea what was next. Instead of the fear that had previously throttled me, I rocked between excitement and trust, my whole body standing at the edge of the cliff, trusting that my wings would appear.
To be continued in my newsletter next week!